More Data, More Problems

When asked whether allowing AI systems the ability to select and learn which DNA switches do what in the body would lead to potential for dystopian outcomes, scientists responded with “well, we never thought of that but we should be a-ok.”

In uncorrelated news, big tech prepares to offer any university research facility that identifies the control level for the impulse to hit the “subscribe” or “pay” button on a mobile phone - a blank check and unlimited access to their awesome corporate campus lunchroom.

Available at a cost of $2,000 scientists will inject people with the rare genetic disease itself, thereby allowing health insurance plans to cover the Nitisinone used to treat the disease and as a side-effect, make them a walking mosquito bomb and a popular guest during next summer’s outdoor BBQ and garden parties.

Waitlist for injection of the rare genetic disease is expected to close soon due to overwhelming interest from women across America signing up their husbands for the procedure.

Participants in the study noted the number one improvement over traditional treatment is that the therapist doesn’t ask them deeply personal and probing questions and then cut them off mid-epiphany and ask them leave to the room so that someone else can come in and take their place.

“Therabot is just such a good listener, for the first time it really doesn’t feel like my personal suffering is helping my doctor amass more wealth by-the-minute. Weird how that changes things.”

Wow, we’ve come a long way since hailing a taxi through an app was considered a marvel of ingenuity and progress.

It’s only a matter of time before one of the scientists accidently leaves his or her phone in the hands of their 5 year-old and we’re all facing down the world’s first (but not last) chocolate-flavored rain-storm or some other rogue experiment hatched from the imagination of a toddler and let loose into the stratosphere.

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fragile, handle with care” on the side of shipping containers and basically just provided the central plot narrative to another 10 years of bad sci-fi movies.

Oops, the truck delivering our anti-matter looks like it got lost after the driver pulled over for some beer and brats but it’ll probably pop back up in no time (pun intended for those who enjoy their quantum mechanics related humor).

Gotta love the audacity of big tech to not even argue against the fact that they stand to make obscene amounts of money off of the creative output of other people without any reciprocity, and instead make it a discussion about what we as a nation (including the judges and juries) stand to lose if we don’t just accept their terms of service.

“If you don’t let us have this (without the inconvenience of having to “pay for it”) well then, we’ll just move to China and before you know it the whole world will be Chinese. Is that what you want?”

这真的是你想要的吗？
(is that really what you want?)

(disclaimer: China seems like a nice place in the YouTube videos, but we withhold judgment on the fairness of their political system)

You made it to the end of the post!

Here’s a relaxing pic 100% guaranteed* to help ease any lingering anxieties.

Take a deep breath and imagine the warmth of the simulation caressing your body… Ahh, isn’t that better?