Liquid Robots and Murder Predictors

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Where we 10x our weekly dose of news satire on all things Tech and AI

After some investigation, CCP officials determined that the robot was merely trying to lean in for a hug and fault lay with citizens who did not reciprocate with the proper amount of chest to titanium alloy contact.

Those involved have been “relocated” into robot sensitivity training camps to learn how to show proper respect for their new metallic overseers.

Next time it rains just think about how neat it would be if raindrops were actually liquid robots designed by big tech to enter your bloodstream through your eyes and ears and every other opening they can find in order to deliver chemical payloads for “your health & benefit”. How awesome would that be!

[Alert🚨 - higher than usual amounts of sarcasm have been detected in this commentary]

In newly leaked corporate documents for “Tools for Humanity”, Sam Altman reluctantly agreed to the company name after focus groups unanimously opposed his prior top choices including “Soul Stealing Machines”, “The Eyes of Sauron”, and “We Own you Now, Bitches”

Uber simultaneously tells its human drivers, ‘don’t worry we still love you and will totally continue to support you and stand by you no matter the cost. It’s just that these Robo-taxis are like, new and you know, don’t ask for extra money for working overtime or when their vehicle gets malt liquor and what looks like blood mixed with meth caked into their cushions.’

Not to be outdone, the killer (sentenced to 10 years in prison on manslaughter charges) seeks someone skilled in the dark arts of AI generation to create an avatar of him peacefully and obediently serving out his sentence as a reformed man.

Upon finally locating Planet 9 and sending a probe to determine how and why a gas giant formed so far away from its orbiting star, Planet 9 responds with “yea I was just hanging out in the back seeing how things develop but then I saw how ya’ll treated Pluto and was like ‘oh no I’m cool back here’ so you know, I’ll just keep doin my own thing if you don’t mind.”

“Uhh sorry to tell you this Alfred, but our AI murder predictor says you’re 51% likely to kill someone today so you’ll have to come with us.”

“What’s that Alfred? You claim you’re an author and were only researching effective means of disposing body parts for an upcoming murder mystery novel?”

“Nice try chap but everyone knows there’s no such thing as novelists anymore now that large-language-models are commonly available and obviously far superior at generating content. You’re under arrest.”

“Hey AI - do my taxes and make sure to lower my financial obligation by getting as close to cheating as possible without actually breaking any laws or triggering an audit.”

The day that this instruction set becomes a doable thing so-called “agentic AI” can accomplish is the day we buy-into the marketing and start celebrating humanities achievement in bringing order to the fundamental chaos inherent in universal systems (such as taxes). Until then, we remain skeptical of its value, free or not.

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